Waiting...

Well, this week was somewhat disorienting. Finishing September Experience, starting the "beginning of the end" of the Masters Program ,and receiving evaluations from my CT's all made my head spin around quite a bit. Trying to sort it all out on a Saturday morning after two cups of strong coffee... it's possible that I may go back to bed. I think what really stood out this week was the focus of the discussion at the end of class on Thursday night. Listening to Amy and Lisa speak about the situations that they had experienced in their buildings and classrooms, I hung on their words as they expressed so many of the same feelings and experiences that I have had. There was the concern that something was said or done to harm the relationships that were being forged between ourselves and our students. There was the initiation into "the real world" of schools bringing a realization that schools can be just as dysfunctional as any other workplace. Yet,there was something hovering in the background of all of this that answered how we might be able to overcome these experiences and feelings.
At my school I had taken a student "into the hall"for disrupting the class during a test and been annoyed with them( in what I hoped was a constructive way). Afterwards I was really worried that I had created a barrier between us and I happen to really care about this kid. It is obvious that he has some type of problem in his learning and he cannot concentrate for more than five minutes. I also know that he has a beautiful signing voice and is in two choirs at school for which he shows up before school starts in the morning. I really did not want to lose this kid; but I can't let him disrupt the class. Sound familiar? I asked my CT if this student had an IEP or a 504 plan. They didn't know. They hadn't read them all. Besides, this is high school and the students need to get with the program. How am I going to have enough time to deal with every single kid that needs additional attention? It wasn't that my CT didn't care,there was just so much that they could do in the time they had.
This "time thing" came up again during one of my evaluations. One of my CT's sat down with me to go over how I had performed during my "September Experience". They made it a point to let me know that I was doing OK,but I had to stop asking "pedagogical questions". It was taking too much of their time to answer them and they had other things that they had to do. They told me that we would have a meeting twice a month where I could ask any question I wanted too at that time,otherwise I would need to keep my questions to just the"nuts and bolts"of everyday classroom needs. I was a bit stunned. How am I supposed to learn? Does this occur by just sitting in the classroom? Isn't this why I am going to Graduate School; to learn how to ask the questions that will help me be a better teacher/educator? It was difficult for me to sit there and not challenge the restriction that was being placed on me. And this is where the instruction and mentoring of one of my professors became a valuable tool in my understanding of what path would be the best to follow.
I feel one of the most important concepts that I have been shown is that of "WAITING". We,as student teachers,are learners. We are being taught by our professors to question,think, and develop what we have brought to this situation as a passion to teach. To harness this passion to change what we see. But we are also guest/learners in the schools where we are placed and we must be continually aware of this. So each time I find myself disoriented by some experience; if I just "wait" I will " learn". If I ask questions of my students and am met with blank stares that immediately erode my confidence,if I just wait I find that I am able to re-center and allow that space to become a moment to manage; to "read" the class, are they tired, confused or just organizing their thoughts. Then, I have found, responses start flowing and learning occurs. If I wait and consider the needs of my CT, I see that there are stresses created by how much time a teacher has and that 10 or 15 minutes of directed conversation with me is that much less prep time or time with students who need attention. If I wait, that student I think I may have driven away comes up after class and shows me a copper bracelet that they made in shop and I have the opportunity to praise his abilities and re-establish the caring relationship that engenders learning. If I wait I may be able to see a way to help at least one student who has trouble learning and then , perhaps, I will be able to apply this in the future in my own classroom. Waiting, patience, whatever makes more sense to one's understanding,this is what we must practice on a daily basis. It is a management tool,a social skill, a habit that is so important to develop. It is an awareness that may help us find a way do that thing that is best for students and ourselves.